The Journey Through Grief:
The Mourner's Six "Reconciliation Needs"
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the
movement from the "before" to the "after" is almost always a long,
painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those
of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the
years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the
outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it,
sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into
its raw center.
I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an
important difference, you see. Grief is what you think and feel on
the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward
expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an
active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone
we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
There are six "yield signs" you are likely to encounter on your
journey through grief - what I call the "reconciliation needs of
mourning." For while your grief journey will be an intensely
personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of
basic human needs if they are to heal.
Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality
that someone you care about will never physically come back into
your life again.
Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full
reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you
may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may
discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and
confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part
of this need of mourning. It's as if each time you talk it out, the
event is a little more real.
Remember - this first need of mourning, like the other five that
follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be
patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.
Need 2. Embracing the pain of the loss.
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our
loss - something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid,
repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it
is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to
it.
You will probably discover that you need to "dose" yourself in
embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try
to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you
may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other
times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If
you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may
advise you to "carry on" or "keep your chin up." If, on the other
hand, you remain "strong" and "in control," you may be congratulated
for "doing well" with your grief. Actually, doing well with your
grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.
Need 3. Remembering the person who died.
Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of
course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams
reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that
link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are
examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different
form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves
allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.
But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be
helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the
person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of
your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping
for the future possible. Your future will become open to new
experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.
Need 4. Developing a new self-identity.
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have
with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship
dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally
changes.
You may have gone from being a "wife" or "husband" to a "widow" or
"widower." You may have gone from being a "parent" to a "bereaved
parent." The way you define yourself and the way society defines you
is changed.
A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled
by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the
garbage, someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your
changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by
the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you
feeling very drained.
You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your
changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence
on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration,
inadequacy and fear.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately
discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You
may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may
develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may
develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go
on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.
Need 5. Searching for meaning.
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and
purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life
and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need.
You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued
living as you ask "How?" and "Why" questions.
"How could God let this happen?" "Why did this happen now, in this
way?" The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave
you feeling powerless.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a
loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well.
At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant
companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you
died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some
meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so
empty.
This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You
may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions
racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your
journey toward renewed living.
Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others.
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during
your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to
heal. You cannot - nor should you try to - do this alone. Drawing on
the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or
professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need.
And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this
support must be available months and even years after the death of
someone in your life.
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the
ability to "carry on," "keep your chin up" and "keep busy," many
mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. "It"s
over and done with" and "It's time to get on with your life" are the
types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate.
Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your
grief rather than express it.
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must
appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must
understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed - even
encouraged - to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage
you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a
necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.
Reconciling your grief
You may have heard - indeed you may believe - that your grief
journey's end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your
grief. But your journey will never end. People do not "get over"
grief.
Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what
occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving
forward in life without the physical presence of the person who
died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and
confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death
and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living.
In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a
renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely
disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less
frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make
commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be
forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.
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